I have not felt like writing entries at all; I seem to have lost the urge to. It feels rather pointless.
“A World Wide Woe”, Newsweek, 8/10. On Internet addiction. Which I probably have to some degree, as my life in the real world is dismally limited. I feel no interest in much of anything. I could see myself ending up like the writer’s homeless brother in the article (I am like him already in some respects, with limited prospects).
Through the day I peppered him with questions, all meant to answer this one: why had he failed to make something of himself, and I hadn’t? It was a complicated question, but it was pretty clear by the day’s end that the most detrimental influence in his life, from an early age, was videogames and the Internet. We were both exposed to computers early on, but he had let them consume his identity.
[…]
My brother is outwardly content with his existence, rationalizing it by giving himself pep talks that at least he’s not slaving away for some evil corporation at a wage that’s beneath him. Andrew got his GED and tried several times to get a college degree, but anxiety and depression – two of the underlying symptoms that likely made computers and the Internet an appealing escape – kept him from being able to keep to a structure and conform. My mom had him tested for Asperger’s syndrome once and he showed symptoms but wasn’t diagnosable. He has been treated in the past for depression and anxiety, but says he never found the medications he was prescribed helpful. Is his obsession with the Internet an extension of these illnesses? It’s hard to say, but either way, the effect is real: once he finally gave up on college, he found it nearly impossible to find jobs that paid a livable wage.
When I look back at my life (or non-life), it seems to me that all I have ever really wanted is to escape – escape into my internal fantasy world. Living in the real world is a tiresome and stressful ordeal, but I have to maintain my body and existence in order to keep my mind going (though there may come a time when I can no longer be bothered to).
I was reading an article about bipolar disorder borderline personality disorder (Good Weekend, 15/8/2009, not online) and this paragraph perfectly described how I feel (though I don’t believe I have BPD):
Yet at the center of Simpson’s emotional maelstrom and behind the self-hatred lies a chronic sense of emptiness, a “black hole” – an absence of self. It’s characteristic of the disorder but difficult for ordinary people with some sense of the inner “me, myself and I” to imagine.
– Fenella Souter, “Candles in the wind”
Some years ago I wrote about my personality, including this:
I feel hollow, like a void, like I am nothing; that I have no identity and no purpose. My life so far has been pointless and meaningless. That the only thing which keeps me motivated each day are my interests and daydreams, and without these – and underneath them – I am an empty shell, a non-person. I wrote these two verses in 2000 that express this inner emptiness:
There are no stars here
When I close my eyes
I am alone in this darkness
In the Universe of my mind.The void of space
Is the void within me
There is only emptiness
Where my soul should be.
A new Avatar trailer is being released on the Internet next week (and in cinemas today). Lots of photos have appeared in the interim.
On 1 October an ABC documentary, Tribal Wedding, was screened. Aside from giggling at the Australian couple wearing not very much, I kept thinking of how very like the Na’vi the tribe was (though admittedly not so glamorous) – living close to Nature and sustainably, everyone having a place within the tribe and so on (see PDF extract below). Some of the tribe had visited Western society and were horrified by it (one was baffled by how people living in the city didn’t know each other – described them as being like “ghosts”). It would be difficult for someone from modern industrial society to live like they do (I would find the lack of privacy and “everyone knowing everyone’s business” stifling), but I think there is a lot to learn from their society. I wonder how long such societies will be able to hold out against our culture, though – I think of it (consumerism) as an infectious disease for which there is no cure.
Background to traditional Vanuatu
The Namal live on Tanna island, which forms part of the Melanesian archipelago, stretching from New Guinea down through the Solomons and Vanuatu to New Caledonia. This area covers a quarter of all the world’s languages, and ancient, sophisticated cultures largely ignored by outsiders.
Although Christianity is widely spread throughout the 83 inhabited islands, it has done relatively little to displace traditional beliefs. The Namal are among those who have refused to convert to Christianity, while neighbouring villages combine traditional ritual and Christianity in a sophisticated and successful way.
Many of these societies have developed complex financial, economic, and trading systems that have sustained community-oriented cultures for centuries. Like the Namal, they regard modern money as a rather poor substitute for their system.
The local “stockmarket” revolves around pigs. They underpin the entire traditional economy. Poverty as we know it is almost non-existent in even the most remote areas, as everyone has land, food and culture. Only in the urban centres – the places where you need money to live – can you see signs of “real” poverty.
Social, spiritual and political life revolves around kava, a word used to describe both the pepper plant and the drink from which it is derived. It has a tranquillising effect without disrupting mental clarity. Drunk only by men in traditional culture, kava is used for medicinal and cultural purposes throughout the Pacific.
Apart from the existence of kastom tribes – the name used to refer to ni-Vanuatu tribal societies – Tanna is famous for its volcano, Mt. Yasur.
The rich volcanic earth is one of the reasons that the Namal can live so successfully from their gardens. Daily life revolves around tending the gardens, filled with such crops as taro, yam, maniok, island spinach and kava. Tropical fruits such as pineapple, mango and avocado are abundant. Men, women and children all share the work of cultivating food. Children do not attend conventional Western school. Instead, they learn from their many elders about all aspects of life, physical, spiritual and emotional. Relationships are monogamous and family is sacrosanct.
Families live in grass huts made from the jungle around them, as are all the accoutrements of daily life. Plates, bowls, clothing, all made from local grasses and vines.
Medicine also comes from the bush. Kastom doctors deal with everything from common colds to surgery, sometimes with results that astound Western doctors.
Supreme chiefs, like Chief Kuaru and Yapa in Tribal Wedding, have overall social and spiritual responsibility for the villages, while lesser chiefs are responsible for different aspects of the culture.
The nakamal – which is a gathering place for people around the base of a banyan tree – is like a village square, courthouse and church.
“Modern man ‘a wimp’, says anthropologist”, Independent, 14/10. An Australian anthropologist Peter McAllister holds such an opinion, and has a book out on the topic. There is certainly truth to his assertion – the Industrial Revolution and subsequent technological developments removed the need for much physical labor, and in a social sense it emasculated men. Most people living in cities are, from a physical perspective, sorry examples of humanity: overweight, unfit, bodies full of chemical toxins and the processed rubbish that masquerades as food.
